So the past 5 months have been 5 of the most exciting, yet difficult months of my life. For those of you that don't know, I am currently working over in Australia as a nanny. There are 6 children. In saying that the older boys (aged 15, and 13) are pretty independent and so I don't really nanny them at all. The kids I look after are Levi and Laken (twins aged 5), Jett (aged 3) and baby Judd (aged 2 months). They are wonderful, beautiful and extremely energetic children. One thing I've learnt though, is not matter how cute and funny small children are-caring for them full time can drain you until you have nothing left.
That's in normal circumstances.
Now add in the fact that I am halfway across the world, completely alone. We also live on a farm 5 miles from the nearest village. So when I say I live in the middle of nowhere, I'm not exaggerating. Some days I have a wonderful time and can't stop smiling and being thankful for this experience. Other days, I spend the evenings in tears, feeling insanely alone and out of touch with the world. Sadly the latter seems to be more common. It sounds silly, because with regards to my friends, I have never felt so supported and I am truly touched by the number of people who have taken time to write a little letter, or card, or send a package. Those small acts of kindness have kept my heart alive. Loneliness stems from what can be described as a 'social pain', which makes a lot of sense for me. I mean I've spent most my life surrounded by amazing people. So to have that taken away from me (in the sense that they are not physically there anymore) is very tough.
I'm also experiencing a lot of self doubt at the moment, with regards to every aspect of my life. I don't feel smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough, qualified enough, like a good enough friend, like a good enough fiancée. All in all I think it's safe to say I'm currently suffering from something yucky called 'low self esteem'.
BUT (there's always a but!)
While I have felt cut of from the world, empty and been missing out on spending time with loved ones. There is one figure I have been spending a lot of time with. And that would be our mighty God.
JT reminded me of something last night. For anyone that has read 'The Shack', the main character (Mack) is told by his vision of God, that we or other people makes circumstances happen. God then takes these circumstances, turns them into something beautiful and uses them to do His will. I like this. And I think I can relate to this idea nicely. I feel one thing which is undebatable, is the fact that God has used my time here to allow me to travel leaps and bounds in my walk with Him. I thought I loved Him as much as I could before I came over here. How wrong I was. I now spend pretty much every night tucked up reading my bible before I go to sleep. When I was at home, it was always a case of 'I'll have a proper read tomorrow/I don't have time/I'll read more later'. Not anymore. I have never relied on God more than I have right now, and the changes I see in myself in terms of my faith are incredible. I guess the old saying 'The more you depend on God, the more dependable you find He is' is true.
Anyways, back to my situation. I guess my main point/the revelation that I've had is that no matter how hard things get/are, we just need to trust. And I mean truly trust! (Lamentations 3:21-25) We know that faith means trusting in advance. I've spend so much of my life stressing about things rather than praying and being content knowing God will take control.
I stated earlier in this blog that I don't feel smart enough, qualified enough, strong enough.
I'm not.
But God is!!!!
Take each day as it comes. Pray each morning for strength for that day and the events to come. Focus on today with the strength God has given you for it and leave tomorrow in His hands. We're not even guaranteed a tomorrow. So why waste the time we do have worrying about it?
I'll leave you now with a quote that I love.....
'Restlessness and impatience change nothing except our peace and joy. Peace does not dwell in outward things, but in the heart prepared to wait trustfully and quietly on Him who has all things safely in His hands.'
Keep Smiling.
Cat x
